India, and going deeper!!

Hello Friends,
There doesn't seem to be a flow to my Blogs.  Maybe that is a good thing.  One of the things I have wanted for myself while in India was to let go of the "shoulds" and "need tos" that have been with me so long, and just be with what feels right in the moment with no excuses,  explanations or understandable reasons.  I have also been feeling the desire to allow myself to show up on my Blogs with all of the vulnerability I am feeling during this period, and just be transparent with it.  It is part of my learning how to be OK with the whole of me and love myself just the way I am, which includes lots of different emotions that I do not clearly understand for now.   So if you choose, you can be part of my very personal journey, as well as learn about this region of India.

In the last week, I was invited by a co-worker to go with her family outside the city for the day and a picnic.  Of course, only a portion of her family would be able to attend.  I accepted gratefully!  Well, the "partial" family was a group of 35, and a bus was chartered to handle us all.  It proved to be a wonderful day filled with new experiences and observations.  This family was different to most that I have been exposed to so far.  Most of my exposure has been of small families in the slum areas that either have low or no education,  do not necessarily nurture or find value in their children, and the women for the most part are considered property and also without much value except for work.       This family was the opposite.  Educated, outgoing, loving and welcoming to me,  loving and nurturing of their children, love and respect for their spouses, and there was the great Matriarch that they all cherished and respected.  It was a real and genuine sense of community and deep love of family.  They all live fairly close together, love and spend time with each others children, truly had a lot of love for each other, and make time to regularly get together for outings and worship together. They truly love each other's company.

The bus took us to a nice rural area and to a temple that they love to periodically visit.  As many temples go, there is a small, but elaborately carved, marble "temple/house" that holds the "Gods & Goddesses", with a large open gazebo-style communal area outside.  Of course, Indians always sit together on the ground or floor in community for HOURS!!  It is really incredible and doesn't matter your age or how hard the ground is!!  After a very short time I am always squirming, but they can be still for so many hours and without a break!!       After spending some time together talking, they next decided they were ready for the devotional portion. The women had gone shopping for items to present to their Goddess.  They bought several very elaborate gold and jeweled necklaces and other ornaments, as well as beautiful saris to present to her.  When I asked them about this, they matter-of-factly stated that "We love all of these things, so why wouldn't she?"  Seemed logical to me on the surface.  But I am not a surface kind of girl!!    Next they sat together facing the door of the temple, and chanted their soulful prayer-song together.  I watched them and could feel their sincere and deep devotion.  They sang loudly, clear, and definitely from the heart.  Afterwards, they all went into the temple to continue their prayers for their family and the world.  Then they presented and dressed their goddess with her new "items", presented the fresh flower wreaths, as well as the fresh coconuts and ladu (homemade sweets) they had brought.  I have to say, I was touched and moved by their devotion.  That aspect I got!  It was actually a nice perspective for me to experience--me the totally non pomp & circumstance, anti-organized  religious girl!  But with all of the statues (elaborately adorned, but strange, motionless, cold and unseeing)that  I see everywhere, it does still move me to wonder why the world wants/needs these idols?  Almost a need to somehow humanize God??!!  Just wondering!   I am not judging anyone for their needs and practices, but glad that my God is in my heart, in nature and the world, and allows me freedom to just connect anytime and any place--naturally.

  Afterwards, they were ready to gather for lunch.  Everyone had brought delicious homemade delights to share and continue the fellowship.  Then a group of us walked a ways to this incredible high butte (that looked to be formed from volcanic rock) where an elaborate Jain Temple was being built at the top.  The whole butte was filled with deep caves.  So we hiked all the way to the top, and stopped for visits to some of the caves.  It takes 17 to 20 years to build these Jain temples because of their detail.  They are beautifully ornate carvings and statues of solid marble--therefore the length of time involved.  (I have posted pictures on my FB).  It was quite a hike up in the intense India heat (now 105 degrees during afternoon), but the journey was so worth it.  Truly amazing architecture, and the views were also incredible.  Jains are a very devout sect--somewhere between Buddhists and Hindus.  They walk to their temples (not allowed any motor transportation) in the hot intense sun--barefoot (not allowed shoes on worship day)!!  Talk about devotion!!

Then we went to another village to a market for shopping and either Chai or a cold drink before the 2 hrs trip home.  I made new friends this day, and was so glad for my experience--and also FINALLY met a yoga teacher.  (Can't wait to get started.  He has been teaching for years daily, so I think I am in for some hard work--and much soreness.) Several in the group spoke English, and everyone tried at least a little.  They all wanted to make me have as much fun as possible, feel included, and add to my experience by explaining as much as they could of the area or life in India (and they are still calling me and inviting me).  I am still just blown away at the importance of family to what embodies the "real and healthy" India family.  They may have some disagreements occasionally, but NEVER would they not work thru them and they are commited to keep love and harmony foremost.  I did not feel an ounce of anything forced or phony.  For a girl that had very little sense of family connection  as a child, nor seen enough of it in my life--it was totally refreshing.  I really thought about how disconnected the family is in America--leading such separate lives in most cases.  How do we get back to family and that strong unit?  How are these people able to do that (they can't comprehend there would be a family without it) and we can't quite figure it out?  What is really in our way?  It  made me value more than ever (and miss) a strong family unit in my life.

This even extends to farm animals.  On another outing, I was watching a farmer plow his fields with his two large oxen-type cows.  It was hard work in the intense days sun.  This man would have his cows  plow a few rows only so as not to over exhaust them, then he would lovingly take them to the shade & unharness them, give them water & fresh grass, and allow them time to rest.  He took the time to repeatedly do this.  I was fascinated and moved at the process.    It has been a good experience to get outside the city and view real life in this rural region.  These are incredibly hard working and enterprising people.  And no self pity what-so-ever.  I actually had a training session with some of my co-workers  last week, and I asked them about the feeling of self pity.  I had to explain what that meant.  They could not even understand the concept!!  Some of them are from slum areas themselves, so I thought surely they had witnessed this.   They told me that no matter how hard someone's circumstances are---never did they know of anyone that felt self pity.  For most, everyone just focuses on what they need to do and DO IT!  No complaining or time for thoughts of pity!  WOW!!  I was truly amazed at this.  I think of how many people that I have known in my life that have so much  but  are constantly feeling sorry for themselves.  This truly showed me a wonderfully different perspective on people!!

I also last week had the feared bicycle accident!  Just not from the traffic like I expected.  I have found this wonderful natural wildlife park to walk in not too far from my home--away from the city noise and toxic air.  So I rode my bike one day last week, Chili Masala, and enjoyed my power walk smelling all of the wonderful fragrant Jasmine and sighting wild Peacocks and a very large porcupine, and watching a fabulous sunset.  All was well on my journey home (now dark) until I hit a large unseen hole in the road and Kathryn and bike went (literally) flying!  A cable guide wire from an electric pole caught me across the ribs as Chili Masala took another path.  I thought my ribs were broken, but now feel just badly bruised.  Much too old to go flying through the air, so I will really be looking more carefully for those many potholes.  I was in an isolated area with no one around, so fortunately, I was able to breathe and get up after a few minutes.  It did rip my basket from the front of my bike, so I had to hunt for it.  And believe it or not--Chili was still able to make the next 4 miles back home.  An oldie girl, but a goodie girl!! I kept remembering my self pity theme--no time for that--just get up and go home and it will all be OK!!   Hopefully this week I am healed enough to try it again.  Then maybe yoga next week!!

So for me, I have been in this extremely uncomfortable place emotionally for over a month. Not fear, or anxiety (that is good because that does show some growth), just extreme discomfort.   Yet, I know this is perfect and just where I am supposed to be.  I am in the biggest transformation period of my life, and I am giving myself time to just experience and be with my emotions, not try to run from, fix or even try to understand them for now.  I do realize that I have been a major stimulus junkie all my life!!  I have had my life so filled non stop with life, friends, travels, adventure, etc--oh my god I could NEVER allow myself to get bored (which I did easily).  Never could be still, quite or heaven forbid alone for very long!  And if I didn't have that, I would numb it with something--wine, busyness, etc!!   When I first arrived in India, the newness was enough stimulation for me.  But right on time, as the newness wore off and the flow of life took over, there was no stimulation (outside my work) to satisfy my normal craving.  I had no friends to chat and hang out with, no "place" or entertainment that I could go to, and since it is a dry state--no alcohol to numb me.  Also feeling very alone (not lonely--but alone).  So all of the crazy talk started--"What have you done with your life? How will I survive?  What will I do?  Where can I go?  I need (this or that)!!"  You know the drill!   I recognized that since I didn't have "things or "stuff" to get my FIX, my mind was creating the drama of pain to fill it.  That is strong emotion and even though not fun--it was my place that was more normal--and uncomfortably comfortable! The only way to break this lifelong habit was to just STAY with it without interfering or giving in, breathe, notice, and let it work through me.  Difficult, but so worthwhile.  Still a ways to go, but I am definitely feeling the shift.  My desire is to be able to be alone in quiet and nature for days if I choose--peaceful and enjoying myself without any need for anything other than that present moment and awareness.  Still have my "fun" times, but no longer NEED them!  I also think I will also enjoy and be much more present to those experiences in the future as a bonus!  This is my work to do right now on myself, and I look forward to the freedom and peace that it will give me.  Those of you that have followed me the last few years, know that I have been on this spiritual growth path and also to greatly simplify my life.  Toward this, one of the things I was aware of lately is that I had only brought a few pairs of earrings that I had had for a long time, but had stopped wearing years ago.  When I was younger and before I had started "collecting stuff", I had so loved these beautiful, yet small carved stone earrings--lovingly given to me by my husband, Greg.  They were so loved and cherished.  Through the years, not that I didn't still think they were beautiful, but I kept needing bigger and better!  Well, I didn't have a desire to bring the bigger better versions.  I have and wear the original small & cherished ones.  It feels good to get back to that simple and heart place!!  Long way to go on this journey, but glad I found the path back.

My last comment is, I have so many great friends from around the world.  But so many seem to be  in pain, unsatisfied & unfulfilled with their lives, and looking for deep love.  This is across sexes, cultures, and ages.  Why are so many people wanting the same thing--but not able to connect or find each other?  Cities full of people searching--but having to seek each other from behind computers.   From my perspective and experience, so many of us are looking for deep love & connection, but  still so afraid to really open our hearts to it and just trust.  So we keep looking outward, when sometimes it may be right under our nose--the very thing we are really longing for.   Sometimes we miss so much by getting in our own way.   This is also true sometimes for things we have but have stopped cherishing and nurturing.  Everything else gets all of your attention, except the one thing that really is the thing you  cherish and love the most.  It seems we as humans sometimes need to experience deep pain and loss before we can truly appreciate the gifts when they arrive, or the ones we have in front of us.   I have lost much and my heart still knows it, as I know many people have.  My wish is that the world will slow down & stop running, connect from the heart with each other, SEE each other or what is in front of you, and we can all fill this vacant spot within so many of us, and our pain can be healed through genuine love .  That we will again learn to find value in each other, and hold dear to us all of the things that we love and will ultimately help heal the world.

Thank you for allowing me to express from my heart and continuing to support me on this amazing journey,
Namaste and much love,
Kathryn

The Real India Journey Begins

Hello dear friends,
I say the REAL journey begins, because the newness period is over and I am settling into life in India and developing somewhat of a schedule (if that is possible in India), or at least a flow.  I am in the full swing of my training, which I love.  I am now working at so many levels, on so many applications, and with so many different groups from youth, adolescents to adults.  It is the most exciting opportunity to use ALL my skills that I trained diligently for over the last 4 1/2 years, plus my previous years of business and life experiences.  Funny how at the time, I wasn't sure why I was doing all of the training or what it was far--but just trusting  what I was being called to do.  That faith has certainly paid off, and put me on the most exciting life journey and experiences of all!  And I am starting to see glimmers of change and empowerment in people here already.  So rewarding to witness.  But I feel that I am the one learning the most.  My 1st 2 blogs were more about observations and stories of India.  There has been a substantial change going on in me over the last 1 1/2 months, and I noticed that there has been a settling in and quietness that has spread over me.  I have reported many "mini post" on FB, but where I couldn't wait to create my Blogs before--I now found a resistance.  This is where the spiritual and intimate feelings and shifts in me are surfacing.  So with that being said, I now know that my sharing with you will not only be of interesting stories from India--but I will be sharing some very intimate feelings and changes that I go through as I continue growing and learning from this experience.  I promise to try to keep enough interest and stimulation for your enjoyment, however!

I still really love the people here.  I am being loved more and more, not only by the staff I work with, but the community as a whole.  I am making friends and almost being "fought over" as to whose home I go next.  They now know I love ice cream, and know  my favorite flavors, so now I usually get to enjoy  that as well as great fellowship after my afternoon field work and training.  I also notice how affectionate the girls & women are to each other--and the boys and men are also--I so love that.  But I interestingly didn't see any affection anywhere among couples--even married.  I know some of that is because of cultural taboos of display, but even in homes of couples.  And this has been "marriage" season.  Yes, there is a season!!  And I have observed many celebrations, only to find that there didn't seem to be much joy.  There was a lot of pomp and circumstance and going through great celebratory motions--but a real lack of joy in most instances.  I asked about this, and everyone feels that it is true.  Marriages are still arranged, so these couples are usually strangers, and the girls go off to live with the "even stranger" in-laws.  And many times they all share space together, even for sleeping, so young couples have no privacy or ever get a real chance to be alone and develop a deep relationship.  Too many of these young girls get married only to find themselves living with a husband and in-laws that only wanted a "slave worker" and their dowry, plus they are not allowed to leave the house.  I am reading more and more instances where these young women are so sad, lonely and abused in these situations, and feel they have no where to go, that they are committing suicide.  It is a really sad and heartbreaking thing to read. So, now I am meeting so many young women  that are choosing to not marry.  They say after witnessing the unhappiness or their parents (mainly mothers)  and so many friends--they realize they love their freedom and lives of work and friendships--and they surely look and seem happy.   This is a huge shift in awareness which will make a big cultural impact and puts people more in charge of their lives and own happiness.

Also, one of the things that has troubled me since day one, is that there is trash everywhere up and down every road. It is ugly and stinks!!   People just take it all outside their houses and dump it in the street.  Occasionally some city type vehicle will come by and attempt to rake and burn it. And of course, the burning is not pleasant either.  I have started an awareness campaign of trying to look at a change.  The attitude in this area is to just do what has always been done.  There is a great lack of reasoning capacity to look outside their situations, or question why or how of anything.  Easier just to follow and ignore any change.  Probably why this area has been so behind or slow to make cultural and needed situational changes than other regions--even Mumbai.  When I ask them if they hate looking at it and smelling it--they say they don't see it anymore.  SO I have asked them to see it now, and visualize what it would be like if everyone stopped just throwing things out their windows to the street and saw cleaned up streets.  They liked it.  Now my whole office has stopped throwing any trash outside at all.         But looking from the other side,  then the cows, dogs, goats, etc would miss a few meals!!  And also I daily see men and their children sifting through all of the trash looking for some or any resource they can use--or any bits of food they can salvage. Even the cow dung is a precious resource--and I am sure that they are glad it is plentiful--all in your perspective.  Women and children collect the dried patties daily for use of fuel for cooking, or bonding materials for houses.  It is so valuable, that one of the math training modules we have for kids uses mathematical equations for: " if you have 2 pails of dung and you need 8 pails of dung, then how many more pails of dung do you need to complete your tasks?"  (Something like that!!)  Obviously, I was extremely amused!!!   So, it is all in the way of the system and what your perspective is, right?  Is there a right or wrong? Which way is correct to serve what population?

The other thing I am learning about is the caste system here.  There are 5 main caste systems, but many sub caste in the lower systems.  The lower caste used to be considered and called (and sometimes still are) the Untouchables.  That is because no one else would touch them, be near them, help them, educated them, or even eat any food they touched or prepared.  ANd where "they" say that is changing, I still see very strong evidence that it exists.  The lower caste are only for the most menial jobs that no one else would do.  They are the sewer cleaners that many of you may have seen from Slumdog Millionaire.  For instance, people want a low caste person to clean their homes--daily--for almost no wages. The people at this level are at least clean, so they are allowed in their houses.  However these people will clean everything in the house except the toilets.  You have to have a separate even lower caste person come to clean the toilets.  It is unbelievable to even hear about, much less see.   Also these low caste people do the menial construction jobs. So even though people "say" that they want change, who would do these jobs for them?  These people are the same ones that say one thing, but  then complain if these same "workers" ask for a rupee more to try to increase their standards.  Im just saying!!!!!!    Here there is no machinery, so buildings (which usually can go as high as 4 stories) are all built manually.  No cranes, concrete trucks, or heaven forbid safety equipment around anything--much less the scaffolding!!  Whether it is to clean up rubble from a torn down previous building or carry materials for the new construction, my observation is that old women and some men from lower caste are used for this--also children!  I have seen time and time again, old women carrying so much concrete, bricks & rubbles on large trays off a site, or dead lifting approximately 100 lbs bags of cement to carry  them on their heads up 4 levels for the workers.  The other day I stopped during a particularly hot afternoon to try to show these women how to pick up these hugh loads with their legs--not their backs (who knows what their spine and neck is like from always carrying so much weight).  Lots of men were just standing around and watching this.  They were struggling getting my meaning after repeated attempts, but knew that I was trying to help them.  I saw they had no food or water, so I next walked down the street for water and a bunch of bananas to bring back to them.  I hugged them, looked them in the eyes and I could see their shock that I would care and actually touch them.  Being the only foreigner and White American as I stated before, I am highly visable and being watched closely.  Not only does this feed my soul, but I hope that I am a  model of compassion to others and hope that I am planting seeds of caring and positive change for others to follow.  And if not, I made a difference in their lives for that day--and in mine!!

There was a funny situation that happened the other day.  I now know that cows are NOT colorblind!!  I previously told you that this is a drought area with no rain WHAT-SO-EVER until monsoon season starts.  So everything is all brown!!  Occasionally I see someone will get a little offering of green grasses on the side of the road for the cows and goats.  SO the cows have obviously identified anything green as food.  I was walking down the road with a green post-it-note in my hand.  Normally cows totally ignore you.  Well, this day, this large cow came charging up to me.  These are Brahmas and known to be somewhat aggressive when they want to be.  I just stopped in my tracks wondering--what the heck?  Then I realized this cow, from down the road, saw that small green piece of paper in my hand and was excited that she came for her treat!  Needless to say, I now never carry anything green when I am walking the streets.

The other custom that I really like is that Indians love to eat in communion--as well as be in community.  At my office,  lunch everyday is brought from home and shared with each other.  We all wait for each other, then sit together in a circle on the floor and share our items with the group and enjoy fellowship.  Sometimes afterwards we bring out the Harmonium and drums and sing wonderful India songs together. I just love the sense of family that most people have here.  And they certainly have made me their family.  Lots of great laughter, smiles, and hugs!!  Now I am being invited for sleep overs from some of the single women.  Too cool!!

Another funny (not so funny)  story I will share is that there was a newspaper article about an old women that had fallen into an unmarked manhole and seriously injured herself.  The article said that there are many manholes throughout the city with large and deep manholes that are left unmarked and long periods of time, and their is no lighting around them at night.  Many injuries have occurred.  The cities response was (make sure you are sitting down)---"It is not the fault of the city.  We have learned that the victim had problems with her eyesight.  Her family should have been more careful and not allowed her to leave the house after 6:30 when it is dark".   I was wondering what US citizens would do if they received a statement like that from this situation--or better yet that any official would have the audacity to make that statement??!!

So, I will prepare to close this blog.  I have days of complete joy, and I have days of complete frustration.  I have days I know that this is the perfect and best choice I ever made.  I have days that I ask what the heck I have done with my life.  I have been turned inside out and upside down, and yet I still know that this is exactly where I am supposed to be for now.  I am in a place of total surrender to what shows up each day, what my role is, how I can serve this population, what I will learn, and feeling strong and powerful about this journey.  I so realize how human I am,  and am grateful to be so alive to feeling so many powerful emotions.  My journey is really just now beginning.  I have let go of trying to "get in my head" of analyzing my feelings for now, and just letting them come and be what they are.  They need time to "simmer", and I am excited and looking forward to seeing what it will all look like when it is "baked"!  And I have let go of wondering very much what is down the road and worrying what tomorrow or my future will look like.  I certainly had no idea a year ago that I would be living in India--so why waste time with that energy!  So living in the present, loving and doing exciting work, and lightening my load has added so much to my life and happiness.      I thank you dedicated friends, for listening to me, for sharing your thoughts & responses with me, and for letting me know that you care.  The greatest feeling is to know that people out there love and care about you.  So please all of you take care and watch for continued updates.  This upcoming weekend is a national and everyone's favorite annual festival--the Holi color festival.  All about painting yourself with lots of colors and being creative with it and celebrating together.  Looks like fun to me!!  So look for some awesome pictures soon.

Namaste,
Kathryn